Jimmy Kimmel

“Always looking forward, never looking backward, even when backing out of a parking space.”

Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t just believe in the American Dream – he has lived it. Through hard work, determination and personal sacrifice, Jimmy was able to turn his natural capacity for mirth into a multi-million dollar empire that today employs more than a hundred members of his family.


As proud as he is of his accomplishments as a businessman and show businessman, Jimmy is even prouder of his “starring roles” as father, husband, son, and legal guardian of the totally legal immigrant Guillermo. Born in Brooklyn to a white father and a Caucasian mother, Jimmy learned all too young the heartbreak of losing a family member, when he returned from school at age 7 to find his mother lying dead on his kitchen floor. Although it turned out she was only pretending to be dead as a joke, Jimmy never forgot the importance of family, a lesson that stays with him even when his own family is being annoying, which is often.


Jimmy is very good at Scrabble.


Jimmy cares deeply about the issues that matter to ordinary Americans: issues like people who take a really long time at the ATM even though they’ve done it a million times and really should know how to do it by now. And other stuff like that.


Jimmy knows that children are our future, and he’s committed to importing the best children in the world to replace our obese, failing kids. He knows that until we secure our borders, a side of guacamole will cost $1.95. Most of all, he knows that the American dream is alive and well, and that no matter what the Canadians say, America is still the greatest country on Earth!